Barb Hondros is a stage 4 kidney cancer patient and blogger. Her words capture how so many kidney cancer patients feel. To read more from Barb, follow her blog: Love Me Some Cancer…Not.
There is a dichotomy in regard to cancer that I find fascinating.
I am amazed at the strength I have found and all I have accomplished while on this journey yet I am disappointed for what what I have missed out on and my limitations.
Cancer has made me cry and I am daunted by the prospect that this may be my continued fight for an unlimited amount of time as well as feeling grateful for all the treatments available to prolong my life.
I have felt fortunate to keep working, exercising, having a social life while at the same time curse the fact that it has caused my body to shut down, break down and slow down.
It has made me fall apart and beg my deceased parents to get me through some dark times while at the same time making me stronger, fierce and determined to set an example for my boys that you never give up.
I read about cancer, talk about cancer, think about cancer, hate cancer, fear cancer and obsess about having cancer.
My head is cluttered with cancer noise which has forced me to be more still. I mediate and listen to music to quiet the voices in my head.
Cancer has made my body sick, sore and weak which in return has made me dance a little everyday so I can get rid of the bad mojo and feel more alive.
It has limited my activities yet given me the freedom to say no without feeling guilty.
It has made me a little cra cra as I can’t quite get comfortable while allowing me to honor myself and be true to what I need and what I want.
It has been a blessing and a curse.
I have been shown an incredible amount of love, support and compassion from family and friends.
It has knocked me down and forced me to rise up.
It has made me feel grateful and reminds me every day that it can always be worse. It has robbed me of time and yet allowed me to honor the time I have and to find peace amongst the chaos.
I have been on numerous types of treatment, had a total left nephrectomy, had multiple blood transfusions, a bile duct obstruction, a bowel obstruction, drains coming out of me for an abscess as well as other challenges. I am at the hospital every other week for immunotherapy. There are new therapies to try and new trials that continue to come my way. This is my life now. This is my new normal.
Good, bad, right, wrong, I cry, I laugh, I have a good strong cocktail when I need it and I take advantage of medicinal marijuana. I push myself and I let myself rest. I work and pretend all is ok. I fake it and keep going while sometimes needing to give into it.
I am constantly trying to navigate this journey and figure out how and what to do. And each time I think I have it figured out, something changes. And so I just take it slowly. I hope and pray for the best. I try my hardest to stay positive and take each day as it comes. I make sure to do what I enjoy and stay away from things that make me anxious.
Crazy cancer. I am a cancer patient and this is my life. It is forever changing and I do my best to envision that it does so in a positive direction. I focus my energy on perseverance versus the fear of defeat. And so it goes…..
This is dedicated to my husband Dr. Louis G. Hondros who is the smartest, kindest, silliest, most supportive, loving and handsome guy. And to my boys who fill my heart with such pride and joy. I love you all beyond.
